I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
