Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
