Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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