plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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