she was so not down for the gang bang
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
