I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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