Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
