Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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