I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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