Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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