I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
