I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
