Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
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