Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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