I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
