my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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