im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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