this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
