I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize