i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
