I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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