drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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