i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
