We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize