You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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