As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
