Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
