Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
