every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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