Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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