my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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