I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
