I faked an abortion last night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
