I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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