I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
