My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm sobbing to NWA
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
