A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
