woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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