just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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