They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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