Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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