i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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