My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
