Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Randomize
