Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
