Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize