I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
