I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
