Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I know her cup size but not her name....
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