Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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