If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
