Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
