Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
