this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
