I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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