is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
