Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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